PART I

Becky and I had been married for about four years when we decided to have children. We tried, unsuccessfully, for about nine months before we sought out the help of our doctor. They ran the usual tests, sent us to specialists, tried artificial insemination, etc. all to no avail. Then came minor surgery and more insemination. Still nothing. Finally one doctor said our best hope was a procedure called ICSI (pronounced ick-see).

I'll save you the technical explanation of this procedure. It is similar to invitro fertilization, except that they physically inject the sperm into the egg. Needless to say, it is terribly expensive (about what most agency adoptions would cost). After a month of daily shots and a trip to Seattle for the procedure, our attempt at this was a complete failure. We knew immediately that we did not want to go through that again. I, for one, couldn't stand giving shots to Becky every day!

Our progression to adoption was quite rapid. Becky and I can not agree on the particulars. I say I was ready to adopt from the get-go, she says she was too, but says she had to convince me. I don't remember that part of it.

Adoption has always been on my mind, at least. Both of my older sisters were adopted. Growing up, it never seemed out of the ordinary or strange. It seemed the most natural thing one could do. I consulted my father about his adoption process, hoping to gain some insight. "Talk to you doctor. That's what mom did." My dad doesn't know how much the world has changed in forty years.

My mother passed away several years prior to this. She was a nurse in the small town where I grew up, and in the late fifties simply talked to the doctors she knew and found both of my sisters in this way. So, we were on our own. Within a month of our failed procedure, Becky saw an ad in the paper for an adoption information meeting in our area. I had to work that evening, so she went without me. The agency holding the meeting was PLAN.

Becky met a couple there that had just adopted an African-American boy and was smitten with them. We looked into all of the agencies in our area, including the State, and all of them, with the exception of PLAN, gave us a bad feeling. They either told us how hard it was going to be, or how long we would have to wait, or otherwise made our initial contact with them discouraging. The people at PLAN were quite the opposite. They were warm, friendly and encouraging. It didn't take us long to explore their programs further. Within two weeks after this first meeting, we enrolled in a pre-adopt course through PLAN, where we could learn more about their organization and their available programs.

At first, we thought we would adopt from overseas. We were a bit concerned about a domestic adoption, having heard all the horror stories, or having seen one too many made-for-tv movies about battles between adoptive and birth parents, but as we looked further into the children awaiting placement and how much each program would cost (money was a big issue at the time, especially after our expensive procedure) we both came to the decision to adopt a minority infant domestically. The children in this program were harder to place and the fees for the program were considerably less (something that still gives me pause). We left that meeting, energized and eager. That was early December, 1998.

Within days of our pre-adopt course, we had completed all the necessary paperwork and had sent if off to the agency. Our home studies started at the end of January and were completed a few weeks later. We learned later that our home study was turned in to the agency the day Hailey was born.

Three days after our home study was completed, we received a call about a girl born on February 16th in Houston, TX. They put us in touch with the foster mom and sent us what information they had on the baby. While the birth mother had signed everything already, the birth father had still refused to come forward. We waited for about two weeks to see if he would. Our agency thought it best. At the beginning of March, he still had not come forward, so we flew out to Houston on March 7th.

We were terribly nervous and didn't know quite what to do. We arrived in the evening and were under the assumption that we would be able to do nothing until morning. In the morning, I discovered that I left the agency information sitting on the kitchen table. We called Becky's mom to get it for us. We called the office and got a recording. I left a message, but after an hour of no return call, I called information (what I should have done at the very beginning) and got the correct number. I told the woman who we were and asked her what we needed to do. No one had walked us through any of this, so we were absolutely clueless. The woman said, "well, you'll need to come into the office and fill out some paperwork and ... oh my gosh, you don't have your baby yet, do you?" She put me on hold and then came back on. "I'll be over to pick you up just as soon as I call the foster mom." She called us back a few minutes later and said she was bringing the baby with her.

We walked out to the lobby and waited. After what seemed to be an hour (probably only fifteen minutes) a van pulled up. The driver was talking on a cell phone. We looked at her cautiously, not sure if this was our ride. She looked at us and waved us over. We opened the side door, and there, sound asleep in her car seat, was Hailey. Becky and I piled into the back seat and stared up at her. I didn't know I could love someone like this.

The driver kept talking on the phone and pulled away. After a few minutes, she ended her conversation and said hello. I don't recall anything of that drive other than how small and beautiful Hailey was. After several minutes, the van pulled into a small strip mall where all the windows were blacked out. The driver stopped the van, said something about coming in and went inside. Becky and I were frozen. Were we supposed to bring in this fragile baby? Do we take the car seat? Do we leave the car seat? What's going on?

After quite a bit of fumbling, we took Hailey out of the car seat and went inside. We sat with her on a small couch in someone's office while they got all the paperwork together. One of the workers took our picture. Everything was a blur except Hailey. Sometime after we signed everything, another woman from Oregon came in with twins. They had arrive the night before and were having to stay a week because none of the state paperwork had been completed yet. We talked with her for quite some time and exchanged information.

A van from the hotel retrieved us and we went back to our room. Hailey slept the whole time. She slept for a couple hours more once we got back to the room and then woke up for about four hours. Despite all our nervousness, Hailey was perfectly happy. We held her and talked to her, she smiled and cuddled with us. We packed her up and went out for dinner. Our waitress kept giving us strange looks.

Hailey fell asleep around ten and Becky and I just sat in bed staring at her. I stayed that way all night, waiting for her to wake up and want a bottle and a diaper change. Around five in the morning I started getting worried. Becky woke up around then and around six we talked about waking her up. Around six-thirty that's just what we did. Who knows how long she would have slept if we let her.

We returned to Portland that afternoon. We had some difficulty getting seats together on the return trip. They finally put us in the very rear of the plane. Our flight stopped in Phoenix, where everyone but the three of us departed. The captain and most of the flight crew came back and visited with us. Hailey slept for most of the flight and awoke just before we arrived. A small entourage awaited us at the gate. Many of the passengers had stopped and visited with us during the flight. As they were passing our friends and relatives, who were obviously waiting for us, they kept telling them how beautiful Hailey was. They didn't know that we'd be the last people off the plane.

We never met Hailey's birth mother. She requested no contact. All we ever got was a polaroid that was snapped at the agency. At first, no contact seemed good, but we all wish we knew where she was and how she was doing. The agency in Texas lost track of her after about a year. We talk to Hailey about her and the whole adoption quite often. She is beginning to understand it all, especially after our return trip to Houston two years later for our second daughter, Zakiya.

PART II

We knew we would adopt another child. We have an ongoing discussion about whether or not we will adopt a third. Going in to the second adoption, we were far more calm and laid back. We decided to go with the same agency and started the process again around December 2000. As it turns out, we had the same social worker, so our home study and all of that was easy, fast and enjoyable. Our home study occurred at the end of February. We were a little concerned about the speed at which this adoption might occur. The end of March and beginning of April were bad times for us. Becky had a play opening at school then and wouldn't be able to get away.

Of course, if there is a bad time for something, then that's when it will occur. We received the call April 6th about Zakiya, born March 26th. Early that day, I received a call from our agency asking me if we'd consider taking a boy. We had decided to adopt another girl first, thinking we'd adopt a boy last. I told our agency to get me whatever info they had on the boy so we could decide, but in the amount of time it took to call me back they said they also had a girl for us. The girl was, as it turns out, at the same agency in Houston we adopted Hailey from two years before.

I had been postponing getting the baby clothes and supplies out of our storage in the garage, thinking we wouldn't get a call for a few more weeks. That day, while Hailey was napping, I climbed up into the storage area in our garage which is only accessible via ladder. The loft is about ten feet off the ground. I had been up and down the ladder several times and was on my way back up the ladder, very near the top, when the ladder slid out from under me. I tried to grab the ledge, but there was nothing to get a grip on. I dropped down on one of the boxes I had brought down and fell sideways. When the ladder came down, it turned over on its side and I fell across it, breaking a couple of ribs. The slip on shoes I was wearing disappeared into opposite corners of the garage. I found them several months later.
At first, because of Becky's schedule, it looked as though I would have to travel alone to pickup Zakiya, but her birth mother said she wanted to meet us, so Becky made it a point to go. We took Hailey, who was quite excited at the prospect of having a little sister.

Zakiya seemed so small. She was about the same size as Hailey when she was born, but Zakiya had an allergic reaction to her formula. They tried a variety of formulas for more than a week before they discovered that the only formula she could keep down was soy. Consequently her growth those first few weeks was not at all what it should have been. She made up most of the difference by the time she was six months old. She is now in the 90th percentile in height!

We were far more relaxed about everything the second time around, though we were nervous about meeting her birth mother. Our second day in Houston, the hotel shuttle took us to the agency office where we met with the birth mother and grandmother. Zakiya's birth mom was incredibly gracious and attentive. It was obvious that she had made a difficult decision and was comfortable with it. We talked for a while and took some pictures, then we exchanged gifts.

Having even this brief experience with Zakiya's birth mother made me want some contact with Hailey's birth mother. I keep hoping.

Zakiya's birth mother said she'd like no contact for a while. She was getting ready to enter college and wanted to settle into things. We keep sending letters, updating her, but have not heard anything yet.

We were in Houston one more night and then returned to Portland with the same entourage awaiting our arrival. Hailey was a big help, especially when changing diapers.

It is hard to believe that nearly two more years have slid by.

We still talk about adopting again, though I think we will probably adopt an older child next, perhaps from Africa ...

Families add new members in three different ways: marriage, birth, and adoption. Each experience is unique and wonderful.

Seventeen years ago, Tom and I got married, thereby establishing a new family. Eleven years ago, our son Jonathan came into the world. When Jon was about three years old, Tom and I began "trying" to have another baby. Twice I got pregnant, and both times I miscarried. After prayer and soul-searching, we decided to look into the possibility of adopting a child.

Tom and I explored several different avenues, including international adoption. We enlisted the services of an agency in Omaha that specializes in cross-cultural and interracial adoptions: Adoption Links Worldwide. During our home study meetings with the agency social worker, Lisa, we decided that we wanted to adopt a healthy newborn baby - a boy or girl of any race.

Our home study was completed early last summer. We wrote our "Dear Birthparent" letter, and our agency made copies for distribution to several adoption agencies throughout the United States. With the paperwork out of the way, we waited for a referral. Several long months passed. We waited … and waited … and prayed … and tried to be patient. "God's timing is perfect," I kept reminding myself.

Then, two days before Thanksgiving, Lisa called. "A healthy baby boy has been born in Mississippi, and his birthmother is placing him for adoption. He was born November 21. Both of his birthparents are African-American. Are you interested?"

"Of course!" I replied. Lisa told me it was too early to get excited (ha!), saying that she would probably not have any additional information until Friday. The next day we drove to Illinois to spend Thanksgiving with members of Tom's family. As soon as we arrived at my brother-in-law Jim's house, I called home to check for any messages. I found the following message: "This is Debbie from New Beginnings. We'd like to get the paperwork started for the adoption, and we need three pieces of information from you: Janet's maiden name, the county where you live, and the name you have chosen for the baby."

The adoption was beginning to seem very real! We had been invited to join Jim and family in downtown Chicago for dinner, but we decided to go out as a threesome instead. Tom, Jon, and I went to Giordano's in La Grange for pizza. While we waited for our food, we talked about what to name the baby. After much discussion, we decided on Philip Douglass Tilden. Being Orthodox Christians, we wanted a saint's name for our son's first name. We chose Douglass as a middle name to honor our son's birth heritage (after Frederick Douglass, famous African-American writer and lecturer).

On Thanksgiving Day we had dinner with Tom's relatives at Uncle Bud and Aunt Jeanne's house in Northbrook. We excitedly told everyone about the baby, and they wished us well.

As soon as we were back in Nebraska again, I called both of the adoption agencies to check for more news. We learned a bit more about the birthmother, and we anxiously waited for the birthfather to sign the relinquishment papers. After about nine days we were happy to hear that New Beginnings had received the birthfather's notarized relinquishment papers, and the agency was ready to send the papers to the Mississippi and Nebraska government offices to receive Interstate Compact approval (needed before we could take the baby out of state). Meanwhile, Philip was in "cradle care" with a foster family in Tupelo, Mississippi. He had gone directly from the hospital to their home. Debbie arranged for Philip's foster mother to call me, and she told me how he was doing. I couldn't wait to see him!

We originally intended to fly from Omaha to Memphis, then rent a car and drive the rest of the way to Tupelo. When I learned how much it would cost us to fly with less than seven days' advance notice, we decided to drive our Honda Civic instead. We planned to break up the trip into two days each way, rather than trying to drive 834 miles in a single day.

Jon was concerned about missing three days of school, but he decided to go with us to meet his new brother. We began our trip on Saturday, December 12 (Tom's birthday), stayed overnight in St. Louis, and reached Tupelo on Sunday. As soon as we arrived at the motel in Tupelo, I called Debbie's pager number. She called back within 10 minutes, and she and her husband Tom were at the motel in about half an hour. They called the foster family. At about six p.m. on December 13, the foster parents and their youngest son arrived with Philip. When the foster mother placed Philip in my arms I was in shock. Time seemed to stop. Tom and Jon were equally stunned. We spent some time chatting with the foster family and with Debbie and her husband, and then we were alone with Philip - the four of us at last.

We spent the rest of the evening and all day Monday getting acquainted with our new son. He seemed so tiny and perfect. (Jon had weighed 8 lbs. at birth, and Philip's birth weight was only 6 lbs. 10 oz.). On Tuesday we drove to the attorney's office, then to a courthouse in Pontotoc, Mississippi, where the judge would sign the Interlocutory Decree establishing us as Philip's guardians. (Adoptions are finalized six months after placement.) Philip slept through most of the proceedings, including the time we spent in the judge's chambers with the judge, court reporter, attorney, and Debbie (the executive director of New Beginnings). After asking us a few questions, the judge signed the decree.

We checked out of the Tupelo Super 8 motel, then drove to St. Louis and stayed overnight. On Wednesday we brought Philip home at last. My mom and dad came over right away to see their new grandson.

Philip is truly our baby now, and we love him more each day. His personality fits beautifully into our family - he is a "cuddly" baby who enjoys being held and nursed. (Yes, it is possible to nurse an adopted baby!) We believe that this adoption was meant to happen, just as our marriage and Jon's birth were part of God's plan for us. The weather was unseasonably warm for our car trip even though it was the middle of December. Conveniently, Philip came home at the beginning of Tom's winter break from teaching, and researching nanny agencies was our only major task.

We didn't have time to go Christmas shopping or send out Christmas cards this year, but we have the most wonderful Christmas gift possible!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Tom, Janet, Jon, and Philip Tilden